Buddha Doodle – ‘How the Light Gets In’
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Buddha Doodle – ‘How the Light Gets In’
♥ please share ♥
Even though I am an author I don’t read. Period. I just don’t do it. I have all the intentions of reading and have a host full of new books collecting dust. In June, as a matter of fact, June 6th (my youngest son’s birthday) I purchased a book called “Let it Go” by T.D.Jakes. T.D. Jakes is a New York Times bestselling author of Reposition Yourself, Making Great Decisions” (and no, I haven’t read it).
I clearly remember the night of June 6th. Hysterically crying, over-tired, and emotionally spent. I have had some serious issues with a family member for quite some time and was in a struggle with emotions of anger, forgiveness, betrayal, and what I thought God wanted me to do. I popped onto Amazon.com and honestly don’t know what I searched. It was probably one of those great marketing methods of “Related Products” that show up based on your previous history purchases (like right Kelly…all the other self-help books that you have NEVER read-lol). I ordered the book, it arrived, and it has been inside the drawer of my coffee table until today, when I needed a coaster for my coffee it was shoved in the back under a bunch of papers. Do you think that sometimes some things happen at a certain time for a reason? I do.
[ As a side note- I am just starting this blog and you will see me mention God a lot. There is no intention on my part to force my beliefs on you however if it does move you towards God that is fine too. 🙂 ]
I guess you can say this week I had a “spiritual awakening”. I thought I had one before and if you have ever attended Alcoholics Anonymous you will hear that phrase. Realizing today how very selfish I have been in the past I can now honestly admit that I have and had a hard time accepting that I have done wrong. I have done some things that will affect others for a very long time. I was meant to find that book today…I just know it. Part of the summary of the book says: “The spiritual truth he explores in Let it Go concerns forgiveness and why it is important for those on the receiving end of wrongful behavior as well as those who commit acts of wrongdoing. This book explores forgiveness as an idea and at the same time offers specific and clear actions for readers who seek to apply the idea in their daily lives. Offenses are a part of life, he says. But conflicts can be resolved and relationships do have a future, if we learn how to forgive.”
Some powerful stuff, huh? I have A LOT to learn. I feel like a newborn again..a newborn in re-discovering that my actions in many ways have been wrong. I need to re-learn so many things and I know I will stumble along the way but I can honestly say I will move forward being humble and with the focus of others first. Two things I need to do is to start getting back to reading the Bible and also to start reading this book. I will certainly put my insomnia to good use!
I usually don’t share anything personal about myself online. I have always been that way. It can be very easy to “hide” behind the computer.
This is really, really hard to write this post because I have always appeared to so many that I “have it together”. However for almost ten years I have been trying to deal and cope with having a mental illness. I have “Major Depressive Disorder“. You might be reading this and might think being depressed every once in awhile is normal. Yes, it is, but being severely depressed most of the time is not.
Towards my late twenties the depression set in. I self-medicated with alcohol and hence I developed another problem-alcoholism and I lost my first marriage due to my behaviors. Thankfully I have been sober for over 7 years through the grace of God.
So what is “Major Depressive Disorder”? Wikipedia’s definition: “Major depressive disorder (MDD) (also known as recurrent depressive disorder, clinical depression, major depression, unipolar depression, or unipolar disorder) is a mental disorder characterized by an all-encompassing low mood accompanied by low self-esteem, and by loss of interest or pleasure in normally enjoyable activities. Major depressive disorder is a disabling condition that adversely affects a person’s family, work or school life, sleeping and eating habits, and general health. Depressed individuals have shorter life expectancies than those without depression, in part because of greater susceptibility to medical illnesses and suicide.”
This summer has been the hardest time of my life. My depression peaked to the point where I was suicidal and had to be hospitalized. I know that my depression this time was not only a severe chemical imbalance but also due to some serious personal issues that I have been going through. My hospitalization lasted for almost two weeks. In the past ten years I have been hospitalized three times. Most of my friends don’t even know this; I was ashamed and embarrassed to tell.
In the depths of my depression I isolate. Isolate to the point where I am almost hiding out; literally my friends, especially one of my closest friends say: “You are falling off my radar”. Sometimes I push away the people that care and love me the most. Sometimes I feel so absolutely horrible that I want to crawl in a closet and never open the door. If you have never experienced severe depression it might be hard for you to understand this. Many friends and loved ones have told me that I am a “mystery” or “I just don’t get you” or “You can be so warm and loving and then so cold and distant.”
So many people also tell me that I just need to “snap out of it“, “you have everything going for you“, “just get down on your knees and pray“. Honestly I wish it was that easy- I have learned there is no quick fix.
So what am I doing now to cope?
I am not writing this post to gain sympathy or to portray myself as a victim. I am writing this in the hopes that if there is one person that I can help by reading this post it will be worth opening up to the public about my mental illness. I know for me that I need to be vigil and constant in knowing what helps me. (In fact I think I am going to print out the above 5 things I wrote about above, laminate it, and put a copy in my purse.)