I have been doing a lot of reading lately; I feel like I am taking a psychology class in college, lol. Good Lord the more I am away from my x-husband the more clarity I am getting on what life was like “with” him. Even though I am not physically with him I still feel he is mentally creeping in. Reading about ‘spiritual chord breaking’ and in my journey of breaking free so to speak I am discovering that….I am really a sane, compassionate, motherly, kind, and generous person. I am good. I am not crazy. Wow, just writing the words relieves so much anxiety.
So in the past week I keep wondering why the heck I can’t seem to let go of him. I have NO more fantasies of the person ‘I thought he was’ coming back to me; you see he never existed. He was a phantom. If you start googling ‘relationship phases with a psychopath’ you will see the first phase of a relationship with one is ‘idealization’.
When I first met my x-husband it was a whirlwind romance. Seriously, like something out of a movie. Most people were excited for me but there were a few that said “There is something not quite right with him“; “He has a weird energy“; and even “I think he is gay“. I ignored any and all the warnings. In my reading one of the blogs I came across, “Psychopaths and Love” they describe the idealization phase: “The psychopath lures you with charm, attention, hypnosis and other covert emotional manipulation tactics. He will say anything to get what he wants because he’s a pathological liar, and what he wants at this point is to win your love and trust. His loving persona is based completely upon lies. Even so, you’ll believe that you’re “soul mates” because he’s able to present himself as your perfect mate.”
My x-husband oh how he has the charm. He is/was extremely well-groomed and looks like a Calvin Klein model. A striking chiseled face and glowing skin. I could share anything with him. He understood me. I disclosed things about my past that I never shared with anyone before. I was enchanted and enamored with him…I became addicted to him. I didn’t realize that I was/am addicted to him until a couple of days ago. Once I read another woman’s story Discarded: One Mother’s Journey with a Psychopath by Indie Mom the light dawned on me that I was/am addicted to him. Finally after 10+ years was starting to make sense.